As Much as I Need
As much as I need
The question was short and straight forward. The eyes were imploring and sincere. The
depth of the need for satisfaction required a real answer. No trite and simple platitudes will
suffice. The questioner was 4 and I was
looking into the depth of heaven. If I
was shallow with this query I would forever be regarded as “less” somehow. Of character that was both flawed and
dismissive of the power inherent in the question and disrespectful of the one
that asked. Trivializing the soul of the
questioner and the merit of the question at the same time. Only by respecting that magnitude of enquiry
with an authentic answer can you build a solid foundation for the future. Children have an innate awareness of the
“realness” of the one that is talking to them. Disrespecting that has a cost.
It is a simple step for children to
cross into the realm of fantasy. Fantasy
is clear for kids and the boundaries can be defined and explained. The concepts of what constitutes fantasy and
how you can tell a moral story with fantasy is easily understood. It can be scary and funny and whimsical and
serious. Children get it.
Here is a split though. Serious is not full disclosure. There is a need for candor and respectful
that is not the same as complete and full information. That the grandparent has passed away is
different than telling all of the details.
The child needs to know that Grandma is playing with her dog in heaven,
but not that the reason she passed was due to a violent act by a criminal or
that the care at the home was negligent and harmful. Later in life they can have more
information. It matches the notion that
you match the obligations with the capacity of the child. Meaning, as soon as the child can tie their
own shoes you let them. Still, you can
intervene in a moment of crisis to get out the door, but that is a rare
item. It is the same as doing your
child’s math instead of letting them struggle through it.
It is not unlike our own lives. The pursuit of a higher degree from a
university has a level of commitment similar to the tying of shoes for a
child. Commitment, training, struggle,
repetition and encouragement and failure are all part of the process. We may choose to engage, or we may simply get
off of the bus at a stop that doesn’t require more but is fulfilling in other
ways. This is the frothy thing called life.
It is about growing and finding a place that you are both competent and
balanced. Some have and will land
farther than others. Some stop early due to their choices. Some have a limited awareness of
opportunities that they are presented with.
We are each given a bit of the story
of what is to come in life. Not all are
given the same. Some more, and sooner,
than others. Some in harsh terms, sooner
than would be hoped. My own case
includes the loss of my father when I was 9 months old. While that had its own story in my journey it
is far different than the story of my mother as a widow at the age of 23 with 4
children. Hers was a story with a strong
wind and driving rain. Called to become
an adult with a limp sooner than she expected.
Some parts of the story are better left discovered than foretold. It is the same with your story. Authentic is not the same as complete.
While the training is best when completed before the test,
that is only an option not an obligation.
Yours is simply your own story.
While many are not called to walk the path which my own family has trod,
and many have had much harsher a road, the result is the evidence of a trial
confronted. Some, with an honest and
voluntary acceptance of the storm’s damage.
Some with a turn toward bitter stoicism or angry outbursts. Later, after a life of trial and hardness
there may come an epiphany, but only after the story has been satisfied. It makes for many good books and movies, this
“revenge for the betrayal” theme, it is seldom the type of friend you seek out
for companionship.
In the movie “Forest Gump” the promo is about a guy that has
many wild experiences and then gets rich on a shrimp boat. The truth under the ordinary viewing is that
the movie is about the angry and unsolved hurts of his love. Jenny will not heal the wounds of her
fathers’ betrayal of trust and bad treatment of her. She has a story that is not satisfied, even
after Forest buys her childhood home and bulldozes the place, wiping it from
the face of the earth. Not until she is
dying and comes to grips with his unending patience and his gracious love for
her son, is she content.
We are not dissimilar.
Until there is complete submission there is not complete peace. It is why we don’t fear a repeat of German or
Japanese militarism, they were completely subdued. It is found in our friends that yielded to
the realities of their lives that they are at peace. It is only then that we are, as well. When we are distressed it shows that we are
struggling against a foe that we cannot defeat.
If we are vocal and boisterous about it then it is all the more the
truth. When we are stable in an unstable
situation it shows to others. The
ability to be honest when asked is not the same as being forthcoming with
complete disclosure. We can speak of the
reasons without the details of the way we got there. It is a place that is reserved for the
closest of friends, when the embers of the fire are all that remain. And so, that is the place of maturity. When the age of the companion is not an
issue, but the depth of the relationship is.
When I can speak of the path that I trod, and you can listen. When I can return the favor, and you will as
well. When I can set aside the shield
and the sword. In the company of a safe friend.
Full disclosure is not even required for one. It can be a journey of discovery when told in
parts to several different ones that will listen, and the only common
participant is you. Your discovery of a
nuanced aspect is found while telling a part to one and a different part to
another and then the glimpse of the red line that connects them is
revealed. New somehow, at least to
you. When I was in my late 30’s I
finally realized that I had been in the strong and relentless pursuit of a
adult male mentor. I was as Jenny, in
that I was blind to the labors and challenges I was confronting. When I came to understand that I was
attempting to fill an empty void with approval and recognition from men I
deemed as respected and valued, I then realized that they were not going to
satiate the need completely, and then I could stop seeking their approval. That I did what was needed to be done, and
that the reward was found in its own doing, became a “self-awareness” that
brought peace. I was an independent
agent of my own being. Not dependent on
another for value and recognition, I was then a free moral agent. Capable of learning and improving. Accepted, at and for, the place I was starting
from. Here and now. Worthy of my own honest evaluation, and able
to strive for some next place.
The need for a mentor is a curious thing. There is a self-improvement course that costs
a large amount. The sales people have a
curious task, that of telling you that you are not living up to your potential,
so give us your money so we can help you.
You need to admit that your skills and efforts have fallen short before
you can get the help you need to achieve a new level. Tiger Woods, even at the peak of his game,
scrapped his putting form and got a new coach and rebuilt his form. What level of internal conversation can bring
that to life? The knowledge that you are
capable and worthy of the effort.
Sometimes it is called to you by a friend. Sometimes a stranger, knowing nothing about
you. Sometimes it is your own internal
voice that says “try”. In the face of
all of those that would drag you back; “Try!”, “Fail greatly attempting”,
“Reach!”.
You miss every pitch you don’t swing at. A maxim from my youth, it is still true. Unwilling to strike-out, but unwilling to
swing, the count comes against you.
Again. Perhaps it is a bat that
is too heavy. Perhaps it is the taunting
of the jock on the team, but you are left standing there. Getting humiliated is
real. Lies. Told by shallow friends and those that don’t
want you to succeed because it would embarrass them. You have heard these lies
many times. Some you have told yourself,
to yourself. This is the full disclosure
you hold in. You speak of many things
but reserve this one. You don’t tell the
entire story to the one that enquires.
It is a special person that can see through the sham and ask the hard
question without malice. It is a role
that is needed to be played. Perhaps for you, at this time. Perhaps from you to another, for you have
walked, as they have, down this same path.
For the first time in many years, you are given the freedom
to speak of the hidden things. Then will
come the peace and the change of aspect that brings new life. Then is there a time for hope to bloom, in a
valley long called the battlefield of your past days. The seeds are there. Waiting for the battle to cease, the rains to
come. The smell of their flowers in the
air will draw others. They will look
upon your beauty and wonder where you have been. You will know, and you will know if they will
listen. To the full story. The one that wants to be told. The smell of spring is in the air. Renewal is a fresh start. I will build a fire. I will listen, with eyes that speak of the
same journey. It is ok to begin. Perhaps
it is as much as I need.
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