Trust
Trust
As if this was not enough, some genius figured out how to
make the glass crack when you step on certain sections and then the craziness
ensues… Regardless of the fact that the person they are with is standing on
that fractured (appearing) segment, the individual traumatized cannot trust
them. The evidence of the hundreds that
are still walking on the bridge does not matter. They are locked in a mortal battle for
life. Logic is irrelevant at this
level. If you ever needed evidence that
we are emotional creatures with the ability to think, rather than the other way
around, this will show you.
Here is the test, lest you believe you are better than this:
try to guess what your version of this is.
Perhaps it is the mouse or snake or bees. Perhaps it is the Zip-line, the bungee version
of the ride at the amusement park or the rollercoaster… we can go on guessing
but you get the picture. Perhaps it is
something completely different. Perhaps
it is the unexpected passing of your child or lover. The passing of the job that was “supposed to
be yours” that went to another. It could
be that the justice in court for the obscene violation didn’t come. This kind of thing is like a miasma that
seeps into every nook and cranny, leaving a foul stench behind. This is as the fake cracking glass to the
traumatized visitor; except they knew what they were doing in the beginning,
simply going for a walk.
So here you are, on a glass bridge to safety traumatized by
the journey. Any trust you had in the
friend that you thought that would see you to the other side is at least
violated if not now the recipient of your hatred and resentment for taking you
on this journey. It is real. There is a guy in the video that lost control
of his bladder, it is that real…. When it is your story it is that real as well. The trauma of the thing cannot be over
stated. For some the simple act of the
retelling is to re-wound them… It can be done too soon.
Trust. What to do
when it is gone? Gone is different than
simply destroyed by a friend carelessly, and worse intentionally. It makes the farm boy trick of peeing on the
electric fence a joy ride by comparison.
But it is the same, only the degree is different. Healing is still waiting. Not certain if it is hoping yet… perhaps
hoping that the falling has stopped, is the best you can muster. What if it is about the partner in business
that ran off with your investment and your spouse? It happens…
How do you trust the surgeon? There is the story of a circumcision gone
wrong, and the young boy is as deformed as the parents are traumatized… What
then? To whom do you cry out to? Who will get the trust that is needed for the
remainder of your life to move forward?
Or will you regress into a shell of resentment and bitterness? That is
an option as well. But, what of this is
good? Disillusionment is a thing. So is numbing and escape. You can even become a workaholic and fake out
the losers that can’t or won’t keep up… but it is a lie and you know it.
It is a curious thing, pain.
CS Lewis wrote a book about it in the 40’s and it is still true today; it
gets us all and drives us to our breaking point. Or past it. “The Problem of Pain”, is of course, that it
is a problem. Irreconcilable and
intractable, it gets us at some point, and we are as the visitors to the glass
walk-way, broken by the magnitude. Some
will simply walk by. Others will gawk,
and still others will record the experience and tell of your embarrassment and
silly behavior in the presence of so many that are unaffected in the same place
as you. But are they? To have your ox gored, so to speak, is to
have “Your” ox gored. If it is your only
ox then it means a great deal. If you
are young and make a mess of your finance, then you think you still have time
to fix it. If you are old and your
spouse gambles your life savings in 6 months it is a different story (true, as
told to me in my back yard by the wife in the matter).
Concussed. That is a
thing. Overwhelmed by the size and shape
of the problem. It implies that you will
come out of it at some point and then be faced with the new reality. There is an interesting point about burn
victims that is a parallel: their nerves die when they are severely
burned. That allows for the beginning of
the healing, and the problem of pain comes back as the nerves grow back as
well. Then it becomes “known”. This is the case in all of the betrayals of
trust. At some point comes the beginning
of healing, and the nerves will let you know that you are not done.
Trust is confronted in the manner of safety as well. The security of finance, food, shelter,
companions, these can all turn on you in many ways. When confronted with a simple walk up the
mountain in Maine, and the weather turns cold and drizzly you are caught off
guard and soon hypothermic in your T-shirt and shorts. It actually kills several people a year. They
were simply out for a day-hike and were unprepared for something larger than
they to step in and breach trust. To
whom do you call then…
Oddly the answer is that the one to whom you call must also
be “larger”. The one to whom you call
must be also the one that is a “more worthy” bearer of the trust that is
given. The problem comes when you
mislabeled the one to whom you gave it and called that “God”. CS Lewis stated that to most modern
Christians, “the complete understanding of their Christian Walk is that they
had a good meal and a safe place to lay their head at the end of the day.” That was in 1940, are we any better
today? If your trust in the divine was
rooted in your good health and well-rounded family, what happens when cancer
come to your door? You can follow the
string to your own story, they are all the same in the end. If you take your cat to the vet and the Dr
stops the surgery due to the protests of the cat, it is not a Dr that you took
your cat to. The good Dr will keep going
as that is the better result, better than to stop simply at the first complaint. Is it not the same for us?
The result is that you become aware that we are not made for
this place, or we would find peace and satisfaction here. That we yearn for another place is to know
that there must be some place “other” for which the yearning comes. So too, the Giver of that desire must also be
not found here. That is why the surgery
must continue. The Dr knows of our great
need and will not stop at our first protests.
Or our next. Trust, it is a hard
thing to one that is wounded. How many
miscarriages before you stop trying? Before you stop trusting?
Trust in the dark times reveals the stars that do not show
in the times of light. So too, the pain
of the dark times reveals the stars of the one so wounded in the day time. It is then, also that the star that comes to
lend aide, and to “weep with the one that weepeth”, will also arrive. It may not be the one that you expected. It may be the stranger. But they were now visible in the
darkness. One will even become the
stationary one that acts as a direction pointer. It is as it has always been. You do know that for nearly all of history
there was no thing called an “anesthetic”.
Wounds, births, stitches, surgery, amputations… all without a way to
dull the pain. We, the modern ones, wish
for the numbness such that we can “ease the suffering” of a dentist visit or
any of a myriad of little inconveniences in life. Like trust.
We numb trust to avoid the pain of truth, told or heard… You know what I
say is true because you cringed… you know your last version of this, and you
remember. So do I.
I don’t have an easy answer for you. I will only say what I know is true. Lean into it when it is dark, and the pain is
the only light that you see. It will
get smaller as you do, but generally not as fast as you wish. The leg will not grow back, and sometimes the
friend will not stop their behavior. But
ignoring it or pretending will not help.
Lean in. It is all that you can
do that will bring life back. It is all
any of us can do. Trust. Trust that the pain is real, that it will not
cease soon and that the cause was a surprise.
Trust in that knowledge, if nothing else, and you have taken the first
step to healing. At least you moved away
from denial. It is a step.
You will only be responsible for your part of this. Do the least bad that you can in the midst of
the screaming silence of your bleak experience.
That is worthy of at least trying.
I talked to a man about his 12yr old daughter getting a message on the
answering machine from a woman that called to tell him that his wife as messing
with her husband… not the message he wanted his daughter to play, but she did….
So, after the divorce and the anger settled in deep, he now goes to the bars
and takes the wives of other men to bed to cause as much pain in the world as
he can rationalize… It only makes sense when you go back to the beginning of
this piece. We are emotional beings that
have the chance at using logic… but sometimes the blinding anger prevents the
rational side from engaging.
Be careful as you walk through your day. There are wounded folks that need a star to
show up in their dark places. Perhaps
you are one…
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